Don't keep it to yourself: How to confide to loved ones when something is bothering you

Maybe you need to share your pain right now, but you don't know how. Then it's a good thing you're here. We'll show you how to take the first step.

There's a reason why it's hard to confide in someone

We are afraid that they will not understand us. Or that they will judge us. We often also feel that we are burdening others. Or we are afraid that the conversation could turn into something unpleasant.

To be open, we need a sense of safety – and we haven't always experienced that. If someone has ever belittled your feelings, misunderstood them, or even refused to let you talk, your brain remembers it well. And next time, it will try to make you keep quiet so you don't get burned again.

This defense mechanism is human. It protects us. But sometimes it keeps us from the support we deserve. The people you love around you today may not behave the same way someone else did.

Keeping it inside will never do any good

When we keep our feelings quiet for a long time, they don't go away. They just quietly accumulate and over time often manifest themselves in other ways – for example, in irritability, poor concentration or sleep.

We close ourselves off, even though we actually crave closeness. But the more we keep it inside, the harder it is to find words. And the more we feel like we are on our own. Sharing with someone we trust can be the first step to relief. We don't have to solve everything right away – sometimes it's enough just to finally not have to carry it alone.

5 steps to prepare for a sensitive conversation

So how do you do it? We understand that you want to have everything thought out, the right words, and the ideal conditions. But the truth is, no “perfect moment” will just come. But you can go for it. These five steps will help you get on firmer ground.

1. Feel free to clarify what you actually want to share

You don't need to have precise wording. Just be aware of what's bothering you or what you're feeling. You don't need to know the reason, just describe your feelings. Feel free to write it down. A few sentences you'd like to say will help you stay calm when you're nervous.

2. Choose the right person and time

Who do you feel safest with? It doesn't always have to be the person who is "closest" to you. Rather, it's the person who can really listen to you – that's much more important. Choose a quiet moment and place where there is no noise and no rush.

3. Let it be known that this is not easy for you

Don't be afraid to admit it. Honesty will help you break the ice and reduce your nervousness. For example, start with a sentence like:

“I don't know how to say this, but I haven't been feeling well lately.“
“Can I talk to you about something? It's a sensitive topic for me and I don't know how to start.“

This immediately shows that you need space and understanding.

4. Speak simply and in your own way

You don't have to be able to perfectly describe your emotions and explain in detail what's happening to you. It's completely normal to have a hard time finding the words. You can just say:

“There's been a lot on my mind lately and I don't know how to get out of it.“
“It's nothing specific, but I haven't been feeling well for a long time and I don't know why. I don't want to keep it inside anymore.“

The more natural you are, the easier it will be for others to understand you.

5. Don't expect a perfect response

Everyone reacts differently – some will embrace you, some will be surprised. Just because the reaction isn’t ideal doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you or that you made a mistake. Talking about your feelings is an important step.

It didn't turn out the way I expected. What now?

It may hurt, but try to remember that they most likely don't mean to hurt you. They just don't know how to respond. They may be scared, confused, or have their own experiences that prevent them from being empathetic at that moment.

You can prepare for that too. Here are the three most common situations that can arise – and how to deal with them:

1. When the other person immediately starts giving you advice and looking for solutions

“Thank you, I know you're trying to help me. But right now I need understanding more than advice.“
“I'm not really looking for advice right now. I just want you to know what's going on inside me.“

2. When the other person downplays it or ignores it

“I understand that this may sound strange. I don't expect you to have an answer for this.“
“I know it's not easy to listen to. Your understanding would be the most helpful thing for me right now.“

3.When someone misunderstands you or reacts defensively

“Maybe we misunderstood each other now. We can come back to this later when we've both calmed down.“
“I don't want to argue. I just needed you to know how I feel.“

Just because someone didn't react the way you wanted them to this time doesn't mean you did something wrong. Or that it will be the same next time. Maybe you brought up a topic that was really difficult for the other person, and they couldn't handle their own emotions.

Openness is a gift to yourself and others, don't let it be taken away

It takes a lot of courage to open up to others. Every conversation in which we are honest helps us to be a little closer to ourselves and to the people around us. We allow them to really get to know us. Not just our smile, but also what is hidden beneath it. And it is there, in that genuineness, that real connection and deep relationships are created.

If you feel like you have no one to confide in right now, there is always psychotherapy for you. A safe space where you can share anything without fear or judgment. You never have to be alone.

At Hedepy, you can choose from over dozens verified psychotherapists and have your first online session in just a few days. To make it easier for you to choose a therapist, we will recommend the most suitable one based on a 5-minute test.