I'm a people pleaser: how to overcome the good girl and boy syndrome?

Who is a people pleaser? The meaning of the word 

A people pleaser is a person with a big heart and personal boundaries as thin as paper. He tries excessively to please everyone around him - his boss, his friends, his family and the neighbor's cat. Often at the expense of his own needs, dreams and therefore his own mental well-being. Why? Because somewhere inside he believes that if he is always kind, helpful and accommodating, he will gain love, respect and appreciation. But the reality is more like exhaustion, frustration and the feeling that others take you for granted.

Signs of people pleasing look something like this:

• YES is your middle name. Even if you know you should say NO, it's damn hard.
• The needs of others always take precedence. And yours? Somewhere down the list, when everyone has what they need.
• You're afraid of conflict. You nod rather than risk an unpleasant confrontation.
• You care about what others think of you. Sometimes too much.
• You want to be liked at all costs. Even if that price means ignoring your own needs and boundaries.

Where does people pleasing come from?

You're not born a people pleaser. The roots of people pleasing usually go back to childhood, when we were taught that being "nice" meant getting praise and love. I'm sure you've heard, "If you're nice, you get ice cream." Or you may have learned that meeting the expectations of others is a great way to avoid conflict. Our upbringing and society only reinforce that being nice, helpful and unpretentious is a virtue - only our own needs are completely forgotten.

People pleasing is also aided by low self-esteem. This may be the reason why we seek validation of our own worth from others instead of finding it in ourselves.

The psychological explanation for this behavior is simple: fear of rejection and the need for approval from those around us.

And that's how we develop the good girl or good boy syndrome

One day you will find that you are not just a person who likes to help, but a bit of a walking YES - while your own needs are cowering in a corner. That's what the good girl or guy syndrome looks like, which goes hand in hand with people pleasing. Except...

• Every YES you say at the expense of yourself reinforces the belief that your worth depends on what you do for others.
• Every sacrifice of your own time and energy takes you one more step away from what you want.
• And every "it's okay", even when something hurts you, reinforces that your feelings are less important than the feelings of others.

The good girl or boy syndrome often brings about a paradox: the harder you try, the less others respect you. Instead of liking you for who you are, you are seen as someone who just always does what needs to be done. And that's what they expect you to do. You then lose track of who you really are and what you want by constantly conforming.

People pleasing test: Am I a people pleaser too?

Looking at your life and functioning with people with sober eyes can be difficult. So let's answer a few checklist questions to help you recognize if people pleasing and good girl/boy syndrome applies to you.

Answer these questions with an honest YES/NO:

1. Someone suddenly needs you to do something, but you know it's not that important and you finally have an evening planned for yourself after a long time. Will you oblige?
2. Your friend has chosen a restaurant for dinner together, but you don't like anything on the menu. Will you still go to the restaurant she chose?
3. A colleague wants to give you a task that is not in your job description and it means staying overtime. Will you comply and do the work for him?
4. At a party, someone tells you a story and you don't agree with what they say at all. Would you rather nod quietly so as not to cause conflict?
5. The hairdresser gives you a different haircut than you wanted and you don't like the result. Would you keep it to yourself and get out of there fast?

The more times you answered YES, the bigger a people pleaser you are and the thinner your boundaries become. Great news: fortunately, it doesn't have to stay that way at all!

How to overcome the good girl or boy syndrome and not be too nice?

No, it doesn't mean becoming an evil selfish person at all, but learning to take care of your own needs as well as those of others. The key is to find a balance between kindness and healthy boundaries. So how do you do that?

Our therapists recommend the following 8 steps.

1. Learn to say NO

Start slowly and try simple situations first. For example, refusing a small favor that you would otherwise do out of habit. Just say, "It's not in my power right now."

2. Before you say YES, stop

Ask yourself honestly: "Do I want to do this, or do I just feel like I have to?"

Think about the common situations where you say YES at the expense of yourself, and get clear on what you are willing to do and what you are no longer willing to do. This will help you to react more calmly next time and not automatically say YES as you have been doing.

3. Practice assertiveness

Learn to express your needs and feelings calmly and respectfully. For example, "I appreciate you reaching out to me, but I need to focus on something else right now." You don't always have to explain the reason. Your needs are just as important as the needs of others.

4. Realize that it is not your duty to save everyone

Let others learn to solve their own problems. Help is fine, but only if it doesn't come at your own expense. You really don't have to solve everything for everyone. Sometimes you're taking away from their responsibility, which they desperately need in life.

5. Work on your self-esteem

Remind yourself of your values and strengths, which are not at all related to what you do for others. Recognize that your worth is not based on how others see you. Your self-worth comes from within.

6. Get used to uncomfortable situations

Rejection and disagreement are part of life. At first it will be unpleasant, but gradually you will get used to it. Are you afraid you'll turn people against you? We understand. But look at it this way. People who speak their minds and don't let people talk down to them get respect and approval, don't they? It's never possible for people to agree on everything, and that's okay. It's much more important to be authentic to yourself and stand by your values.

7. Self-care is not selfishness

Make time for your hobbies, relaxation and things you enjoy. Fill your own cup so you have energy to give to others. Your needs are just as important as the needs of others.

8. Ask for support

All of these steps are easier said than done, right? Waving finally to people pleasing is the way to go. But you don't have to be on it alone. Psychotherapy is a great way to make that journey easier and faster. A therapist can help you uncover patterns of behavior that aren't working for you and work to change them.

At Hedepy, you can choose from over dozens of verified certified psychotherapists and have your first online session in just a few days. Take a short 5-minute test and we will recommend the most suitable psychotherapist for you. Because great therapy is what a great therapist does.