5 rules of a successful relationship according to psychologists. What really matters?

What is important in a relationship? Loving each other is not enough.

You’ve probably heard before: "When two people love each other, everything finds its way." It sounds nice, but the reality is a bit different. Love is important, but if it's not backed by trust, respect, and communication is lacking between you, it may not last even a few years.

There are many myths that distort our view of relationships. For example:

• "A perfect relationship works on its own." – Not exactly. In reality, it constantly evolves and requires care.
• "A healthy relationship is one where people don't argue." – But what if they just avoid arguments and bottle up their emotions? Conflicts are completely natural and healthy, as long as they are addressed in the right way.

A relationship is not something that just "happens," but something we build. Let's take a look at how to do it together.

5 rules of a successful relationship: What should it look like?

If you want both of you to feel good in the relationship in the long term, these five rules form the real foundation.

1. Trust and safety

It's not just about loyalty, but also about being able to rely on your partner, feeling safe with them, and knowing they won't judge or belittle you.

Trust is built through open communication, sharing feelings, and keeping promises. When you confide in your partner about your worries, and they respond with understanding rather than dismissing them, your trust grows, right? Next time, you'll feel more comfortable opening up again. On the other hand, repeated lies or dishonest communication slowly erode that trust. Oh, and when you say you'll be home at eight, it's a good idea to actually be home at eight (or at least text if you're going to be late).

2. Respecting boundaries and needs

Respect in a relationship is not just about polite behavior, but about recognizing each other's individuality. We all have our own needs, values, and boundaries – and a healthy relationship honors them. Respect means that you're not trying to change your partner but accepting them as they are. When they say they need some time alone, you don’t take offense but give them the space they need. Similarly, you don't dismiss their emotions by saying, "That's just silly." Instead, you try to understand them.

3. Open communication

Misunderstandings often don't arise because we consciously want to hurt each other, but because we see things differently and don’t talk about it. Open communication means talking about what you feel, what you need, and what's bothering you – but without blaming, which is crucial. Instead of saying, "You never listen to me!" a much more effective approach would be, "It hurts me when I feel like you're not hearing me."

Active listening is just as important as speaking – sometimes, we don’t need advice, but simply a space where the other person will listen to us.

Are you trying to have calm, honest communication, but all you get in return is blame? 

Or does your partner avoid discussing important topics altogether?

4. Shared and individual growth

Each of us evolves. We learn new things, change our opinions, and develop new ambitions. A healthy relationship supports this growth rather than hindering it. If one partner wants to advance in their career, go to therapy, or change their lifestyle, the other should support them, not discourage them.

But be careful, the goal is not for growth to always be synchronous – sometimes one person will progress faster than the other. What’s important is that both partners feel free and are not held back in the relationship. They shouldn’t be afraid to grow both as individuals and as a couple.

5. Physical and emotional closeness

Physical contact is important, but emotional connection is just as vital. A healthy relationship is one where we feel safe – we can be ourselves, share our joys and concerns, and know that our partner doesn’t judge us. Emotional closeness means feeling understood and accepted, even in moments of vulnerability.

Physical closeness, whether it’s a hug, holding hands, or a kiss, strengthens the bond between partners and releases oxytocin – the hormone of trust and love.

How to work on a relationship to make it last for many years?

You already know what rules are important for a functioning relationship. But now you might be wondering, what to do if something is lacking in your relationship?

Our relationship and mental health experts recommend these five simple steps. You can start implementing them right now!

1. Weekly "check-in"

Most of the time, we talk about what's for dinner or who will buy the toilet paper. But when was the last time you sat down and consciously talked about how you feel in the relationship? A weekly "check-in" doesn’t have to be formal – just have a quiet coffee together and answer three questions:

• How do I feel in the relationship?
• What do I like about it?
• What would I like to improve?

This simple habit can prevent misunderstandings that often arise just because things aren't talked about in time.

2. Express gratitude

After years, we tend to take many things for granted. Did your partner cook lunch? Does your partner bring you tea three times a day when you're sick? They might be doing it automatically, but that doesn’t mean they don’t deserve appreciation.

Try to acknowledge at least one thing your partner did for you every day. And it doesn’t have to be anything big. Even something as simple as "Thank you for making me coffee for the road this morning, it really helped" can strengthen the relationship and give your partner a sense that their effort is appreciated.

3. Plan quality time together without phones

Just being in the same room doesn’t necessarily mean you’re spending quality time together. How often do you sit next to each other on the couch, both with your phones in hand? Try to regularly plan moments when you put away your phones and focus solely on each other—go for a walk, visit a café, play a board game, or have a chat over a glass of wine. This will create space for deeper conversations and emotional connection.

4. Learn to argue healthily

Do you remember how we said that arguments are part of a healthy relationship? It's true, but it's important to know how to argue "properly." Conflicts are not the problem – the problem is when we don't know how to resolve them.

The biggest mistake is using attacks like "You never..." or "You always..." This puts the other person on the defensive, and finding common ground becomes really hard. Instead, talk about how YOU feel in the situation, starting with "I." For example: "I feel lonely when you spend so much time at work."

5. Change "How are you?" to "How do you feel?"

When asked "How are you?", we tend to automatically respond with "I'm good" or "It's fine." But when you ask "How do you feel?", you give the other person the space to share something deeper. Maybe they've had a tough day, something is bothering them, or on the other hand, they feel happy and want to share that with you. Even such a small change in phrasing can lead to much more sincere and meaningful conversations, strengthening your relationship.

Is it time to really work on your relationship?

You probably already know the answer to this question. Your inner feelings never lie.

If you're unsure, here are a few signs that you should pay attention to:

• Conflicts aren't addressed but rather swept under the rug.
• You feel lonely next to your partner.
• One of you constantly backs down, while the other takes control.
• You haven’t spent quality time together in a long time.
• Your partner often criticizes and humiliates you.

If you're going through a real crisis, helpful advice can be found in our article Relationship crisis: How to tell if it's still worth it?

But we can tell you that a relationship is always worth it when both of you genuinely want to work on it. A great way to do this is through couples therapy, which helps you understand each other better and manage conflicts. A therapist will offer an unbiased perspective and help overcome communication blocks.

Do you want to try couples therapy? At Hedepy, you can choose from several accredited couples therapists and have your online session in just a few days.

Take a 5-minute pairing test, and we'll recommend the best therapist for you based on your specific needs.