How to cope with a breakup: When is a breakup final and how to handle it

Your feelings make perfect sense. A breakup is a huge loss, whether the relationship lasted a few months or many years. But even if it seems impossible to get over the pain now, there is a way out. We'll show you how to heal a broken heart.

Is there still a chance of getting back together? How to tell when a breakup is final

Maybe you're thinking right now that maybe you'll get back together. That there's still a chance to save the relationship. And it makes sense. Sometimes the pain can be so intense that we'd rather cling to any hope we can find to ease the pain. But sometimes it's the hope that prolongs the pain.

That's why we have 7 questions for you to think about to help you determine if it's really over. Try to answer them as honestly as possible.

1. Are you still sincerely interested in working on your relationship, perhaps in couples therapy or with a relationship coach? Not just by yourself, but both of you.
2. Do you still have respect and trust for each other, even when it's difficult? Are there any reproaches, ridicule, or belittling of what you feel?
3. Is there still closeness between you? Or do you feel that you are starting to drift apart, passing each other by, and often have nothing to say to each other?
4. Do you feel safe next to each other? Or were you often afraid to be yourself, express your emotions, and show vulnerability in the relationship?
5. If infidelity occurred in the relationship, did the guilty party try to solve it? Or did they rather belittle and defend it?
6. Are you really not sure if the relationship is over? If the other party has already said that the breakup is final, then you are sure. The same applies if the other one has already found a new relationship.
7. Do you really want the relationship back? Do you sincerely miss your partner, or do you secretly wish they would regret the breakup?

If you're hesitating over any of the answers, it might be a sign to think more deeply about what the relationship is giving you and what it's not. It's hard to admit that it's over, but moving on can help you tremendously.

Do you feel like you can't handle a breakup? Don't worry. We'll show you how.

How to deal with a breakup when you love him/her? The first step is to accept the end

“You need to forget about him/her and move on.” You’ve probably heard that before. But how? It’s easy to say, but harder to do when you still miss him/her so much. Our psychotherapists recommend these four steps.

1. First, write down why it is better that the relationship is over

Accepting a breakup is hard. Always. You don't have to feel bad if you can't. After all, a breakup is a loss, and that includes a denial phase. So give yourself a small task to start with.

You don't have to accept it right away with everything. Just realize why it will be better this way. If you have the capacity, write down on paper the reasons why it might have been better if you broke up. What didn't work in the relationship? Did you have different visions for the future? Did you become estranged? Or did the other person hurt you? You may still miss him, but that doesn't preclude the fact that deep down you understand why it will be better this way.

2. Try to approach the breakup as a fact

Once you know why you're struggling to accept the breakup, you're well on your way to actually doing it. The important thing is to accept the breakup as a fact – to admit that there really is no going back.

If you feel like it, you can pretend that your partner has gone to the end of the world. It sounds painful, but the very possibility that they might come back is what often prevents us from accepting it.

3. Treat yourself to a symbolic closure of the relationship

If you're missing a solid line behind a relationship, you can give it a symbolic touch. Our brains absolutely love rituals - it can help you process emotions better. Try writing a goodbye letter and burning it. Or donate things that remind you of the relationship to charity.

4. Don't perceive pain as something bad and accept all emotions

We are often afraid to accept a breakup because the pain is too real. You may feel like you are not strong enough to handle so much pain. But that is not true. Allow yourself to feel the grief, don’t fight it – you can cry and scream, let the pain flow freely. It is not pleasant to feel it, but it is okay. Pain is a part of life, but it doesn’t have to last forever.

10 ways to cope with a breakup and overcome the pain

Have you managed to accept that the breakup is final? Then you've taken the hardest step. You still have a long way to go, but these practical tips from our psychotherapists will make healing your broken heart a lot easier.

1. Limit contact as much as possible

It's not easy, and you can of course mourn it. But really, try to limit contact as much as possible. Stop following your ex on social media, archive their messages, remove their phone number from your speed dial, or lock all their photos in a hidden album. The less you surround yourself with them, the faster the pain will subside.

2. Take time for yourself and be kind to yourself

Working on self-love will help you immensely. You will then feel like you are going through a breakup with a best friend who will always support you when you are at your worst. Focus on yourself and your dreams. Just treat yourself to something good, like cake, a bubble bath, and a walk in nature. Or invite yourself on a date to the movies. If none of these work for you, read our practical methods on how to really love yourself.

3. Write down every day what you accomplished

It's clear that you won't feel great the next day. Not every day is necessarily better. Even small moments of relief are a sign that you're getting over the breakup. Write down all these successes. Did you manage to not look at photos of each other all day? Good job. Did you laugh with your friends? Perfect! When you feel hopeless, read your success journal - then you'll see that you're on the right track.

4. Make time for friends or family

You may feel incredibly alone right now or have a tendency to close yourself off from the world. However, at this time, it will be of great benefit to you to surround yourself with loved ones. Social contact has a very positive effect on the psyche.

5. Talk about it

It doesn't matter which path you choose – you can talk to a friend, write down all your feelings on paper, or confide in a therapist. The important thing is not to keep your suffering to yourself. Sometimes all you need to do is share the pain and it will suddenly be halved. Try it.

6. Keep yourself busy with something you really enjoy

If you don't have time to have fun right now, that's understandable. You don't have to go out and party and laugh like nothing happened. But try to do the things you love, even if you don't enjoy them as much as you used to. Try a new hobby, sport, or course. Go on a trip or vacation somewhere far away.

7. When failure comes, don't be hard on yourself

It's not a failure if one day you can't resist - you write him/her a message, visit his/her social media, sniff the T-shirt he/she left at your place. It's human. But how do you feel afterwards? Maybe each such step rather prolongs your pain. Then it might help you to set boundaries. Plan what you will do the next time the thought comes. When you have a plan, it's easier to stick to it.

8. Try to be patient

Getting over a breakup is a process. It takes a lot of patience. “Time heals all wounds” is an annoying cliché, but it’s true.

Would it help to look at it analytically? Then we’ll tell you that your brain is really not built to dwell on painful memories forever. Your brain wants to protect you. The breakup gradually “throws” new memories and experiences. This doesn’t mean you’ll forget, but the pain will really lessen over time. We can promise you that.

9. Don't try to deny the pain or replace it with something else

Something… or someone. You may be tempted to, but any denial of emotions will eventually crack. The pain will then return with even greater intensity. That’s why you need to let your grief out. A band-aid in the form of a new relationship may provide temporary relief, but in the end, it will only delay true healing. You deserve better.

10. Consider therapy

Sometimes, a dispassionate look from a stranger is all it takes to gain a new perspective. But talking to a therapist can also help you get your thoughts out. Therapy can also help you get to know yourself better and enjoy life without a romantic relationship. Choose a therapist and talk about your breakup – online, from the comfort of your favorite chair, and in just a few days.

"I want him/her to regret the breakup." What to do when this thought comes to mind?

If your partner has left you without explanation, betrayed you, or disappointed you, it’s natural to want to “get back at them.”

It may seem unfair. And we understand how much it hurts. But unfortunately, this path doesn’t lead to healing. It will actually tie you back to the past. What can you try instead?

Be kind to yourself

Do you feel like you could have done more? Do you feel like you must have done something wrong? Do you feel bad that he didn’t validate your pain and appreciate you?

These thoughts often bother people who actually loved deeply and sincerely. Try to realize that you don’t need your partner’s approval to move forward—it’s often best to give it to yourself. Work on your self-love and explore ways to boost your self-esteem and confidence. You’ll soon find that you don’t need his/her pity.

Realize that you gave your all to the relationship. You put a lot of energy into it, and you deserve to have it returned to you. When you think, “I want him/her to be sorry,” change that thought to something else. Say something like, “I deserve more than just waiting for pity.”

Ask yourself: What if he/she never regrets it?

If you feel like it, try to imagine this possibility. When we confront ourselves with the “worst case” scenario, we can often overcome it better. You can look for what you need to accept this fact. Once you find a solution, the desire for revenge will subside. Ask yourself: Why do I actually want him/her to regret it?

How should I behave after a breakup and how should I communicate with my partner if I want to save a friendship?

You might be wondering if you could still stay in touch. Maybe as friends. And sometimes it really works, but it depends on how the breakup went.

1. Was the breakup mutual, without drama and with respect?
2. Was your relationship based on friendship, even when you were together?
3. Do you really want just friendship? Neither of you hopes to get back together?
4. Can you communicate openly, without reproach, and set boundaries?

If you answered YES, you may be able to maintain your friendship. But it takes time, maximum honesty, and clear boundaries.

Take a break at the beginning anyway

Even if you care about each other, emotions need space. Try to come to terms with the breakup first so that contact doesn't hurt. Ask yourself: Do I really want to be friends? Or do I hope we can get back together? If you're not sure, it's best to put the friendship on hold.

Agree on the rules

If you're going into a friendship, agree on some ground rules—like how often you'll see each other and how you'll handle it if one of you finds a new partner. A friendship only makes sense if it's good for both of you—not if it's just prolonging something that's already over.

Are you unable to cope with a breakup? This will help you

There are times when the pain doesn't get better. No matter how hard you try, it's normal for the hard times to come back. Healing has its own pace. Maybe it's been going on for a long time, you don't want to get up in the morning, you don't have anything to do, and you wonder if you'll ever be able to cope. If this is what you're going through, try to stop for a moment and do one important thing: don't be alone.

Seeking help is not a failure – it is proof that you care about yourself. A breakup can trigger an acute crisis or even depression. Please consider consulting a therapist, just talk and together you will find a way.

At Hedepy, among many verified psychotherapists, you will definitely find the right one. To make it easier for you, we will recommend the most suitable therapist to you based on a 5-minute test. You can have your first session in just a few days.