How to get rid of perfectionism and finally breathe?

Do you feel the pressure that the desire for perfection puts on you? No, it's not really good for you, it doesn't help you stay motivated or productive. Let's take a look at perfectionism and its effect on mental health from a psychology perspective. Our psychotherapists will share with you tips on how to get rid of perfectionism.

Who is a perfectionist anyway?

A perfectionist is a person who has excessively high expectations (most often of themselves). He spends the whole day baking candy for the Christmas party, but when the topping melts a bit during the car ride, he feels like he's screwed up. Even when everything goes according to plan, instead of giving heartfelt praise, he looks for room for improvement. Whether it's candy, a presentation for work or a networking post. It just has to be perfect.

According to psychologists Paul Hewitt and Gorden Flett, perfectionism can also be other-oriented, where we place high demands on others, or taken from our environment (socially prescribed), such as high expectations set by social networks or university, which create pressure for perfect academic performance.

It's good to want to keep improving, isn't it?

It depends on the intensity. Perfectionism keeps us in an endless cycle of stress, doubt and pressure to perform. We're never satisfied or properly rested. As soon as we accomplish one task, we're looking at the next one and wondering what could have been done better. And any joy in the finished work? That gets lost somewhere between "it could have been better" and "what's next?"

It probably won't surprise you that research shows that perfectionists are more prone to burnout. Perfectionism can also be linked to anxiety, depression, eating disorders, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) and other psychological problems.

So is perfectionism a disorder or a disease?

Not on its own. Rather, it's a personality trait that runs on the scale from a healthy drive to achieve good results to an unhealthy pressure for perfection that destroys a person.  And this unhealthy pressure then often goes hand in hand with problems that already fall into the category of psychological disorders. Like the already mentioned anxiety, depression, eating disorders and more.

Besides, perfectionism can make your life very complicated:

• Leads to procrastination – Do you also put off tasks because you're waiting for "the right moment" or the perfect conditions?
• It is accompanied by low self-esteem – You feel like you're never good enough.
• Can create tension in relationships – If you pass on your high standards to others.
• Puts health on the back burner – The constant pressure to perform leads to chronic stress, which takes a toll on health.
• Paralyzes you with fear of failure – When you know that the outcome is unlikely to be 100%, you often prefer to do nothing and stand still.

You may have seen your desire for perfection as a virtue until now. You have the most beautifully wrapped presents, a homemade eggnog and Christmas cake, and polished windows. But in reality, perfectionism brings with it more problems and takes a toll on your mental well-being.

Signs of perfectionism: find out where you stand

You've probably already guessed that perfectionism will be your theme as well. But is its level really unhealthy? Let's take a short test to find out.

TEST of perfectionism: Answer these questions honestly in the form of YES/NO

1. I feel like if I don't do something perfectly, it's a failure.
2. When I finish a task, I immediately look at what could have been better instead of praising myself.
3. I often put off tasks because I'm waiting for that "perfect" moment to get going. When I have a better idea, a more creative mood, etc.
4. I feel guilty when I make a mistake. Even if it's small and probably won't even be noticed.
5. When I delegate something to others, I tend to check and correct their work. I would prefer to do it myself.I do it the best anyway.
6. I can't rest until my house is cleaned, it’s cooked and everything is ready. I feel like I should be doing something productive.
7. New bigger challenges scare me and I often prefer to avoid them. I'm afraid I won't do it as well as I'd like.
8. I often work much longer than necessary on tasks. I'm always looking for things to improve.
9. I'm afraid that if everything isn't perfect, others will judge me.

The more times you have said YES to yourself, the stronger a perfectionist you are. According to the study, the level of perfectionism, especially among the young, has increased significantly since 1989. There are more than enough of us. The biggest increase is seen in socially prescribed perfectionism - that is, the pressure to be perfect that we perceive from our surroundings and the media. But do we really want to live under this pressure?

What to do to keep the desire for perfection from complicating your life?

8 tips to get rid of perfectionism

Our psychotherapists recommend the following steps.

1. Accept the fact that perfection does not exist

Societal ideals of beauty or success are changing - from Renaissance curves to today's obsession with thinness. Moreover, such perfection can look very different for everyone. Try not to compare yourself so much to others and pay so much attention to what they think of you. They may have a more luxuriously decorated Christmas table, but their potato salad isn't even close to yours. Everyone has different priorities and ideas of what's perfect.

2. Change the way you look at mistakes

Mistakes or failure are NOT evidence of failure, but opportunities for improvement. Try to look at them as part of the process. Did you know that Shakira's first two albums were flops? But she didn't take it as a failure and get discouraged. It wasn't until her third album that catapulted her onto the international stage. It's normal to be imperfect and make mistakes, allow yourself to make them. So that one batch of candy is just gonna be toastier, so what?

3. Realize that others don't care that much about you

A difficult truth, but one that brings great relief. We often feel that others are always judging us and watching all our mistakes. But we'll let you in on a secret: People care mostly about themselves and have enough problems of their own. The vast majority of them don't even notice that your handbag and shoes don't match at the Christmas party, and they don't care that you bought and didn't make the Advent wreath.

4. Set achievable goals and write realistic to-do lists

Best to get everything done now, do it perfectly and celebrate success, right? We're only human, after all. When planning, keep in mind that rest is important and everyone has their own pace. You can write a book that wins a literary prize even in your fifties. Try not to put so much pressure on yourself and focus now on, let’s say, writing the first chapter. And don't forget to celebrate each step forward!

5. No, you really don't have to please everyone

Perfectionism often goes hand in hand with people pleasing - the desire to please everyone. And that's where perfectionism often stems from. If in your home, praise came only for performance or meeting expectations, you may have developed the belief, "I have to be perfect for others to like me." Then you say yes to everything, are always available, do more than necessary, and hide any weaknesses.

How do we get out of this? The key is to learn to say NO, to accept our own imperfections and to understand that our worth does not depend on what others think of us.

6. Determine when it's "enough"

You know that feeling when you've been sitting on a task that was supposed to take only one hour for half a day because you're still looking for something to improve? It's a waste of time. Set a threshold in advance for when it's "good enough". It can be a specific time limit or a list of key points that are really necessary. When you have accomplished it, take your hands off it and declare it done. Perfect often isn't necessary - just when it's functional and meaningful.

7. Be kind to yourself

As perfectionists, we tend to be extremely critical of our mistakes, but we're happy to praise others for a burnt Christmas cake. Try looking at yourself through the eyes of your best friend. When you catch yourself being self-critical, ask yourself, "Would I say that to someone I love?" If not, change your words and tell yourself exactly what you would tell your best friend.

8. Make room for joy and spontaneity

Sometimes it helps to "turn your head off" for a while and do something that has no goal - like painting something abstract, dancing freely, or cooking completely without a recipe. These activities teach us that even things that aren't perfect can be fun and worthwhile. With a perfectionist mind, we often forget the joy of the process - try to rediscover it!

Perfectionism is a great topic for therapy

It is often rooted in the past - in upbringing, school grades or other experiences where appreciation came only for performance. Increasingly, the pressure for excellence from the environment is also growing (just open social networks). A therapist can help you find the beliefs that don't work for you and gradually change them. This will create a healthier attitude towards yourself and your goals. Let's let go of the pressure and breathe more freely.

In Hedepy, among more than 30 verified psychotherapists, you are sure to find the right one. To make it easier for you, we will recommend the most suitable therapist based on a 5-minute test. You can have your first session in just a few days.