Don't put up with bossing. How to deal with workplace bullying?

Does this sound familiar? You might be experiencing bossing, which is another term for bullying by your boss. This kind of behaviour is absolutely not okay, and it says nothing about the quality of your work. Let's take a look at how to recognise bossing and what to do about it.

What exactly is bossing?

Bossing is psychological workplace bullying by a superior. It happens when a boss abuses their position to repeatedly humiliate, intimidate, or criticise you without justification. They might assign you impossible tasks, withhold important information, or mock you in front of colleagues.

How do you tell it apart from ordinary conflicts that everyone encounters from time to time? It comes down to how often these situations happen and whether the criticism has any legitimate basis.

If your boss is demanding of everyone equally and feedback is about your work rather than you as a person, it's probably not bossing. But if they repeatedly target you and deliberately humiliate you, that's where it crosses into bullying.

Signs and examples of bossing: how to recognise it early?

Maybe you're still not sure whether it's really bossing, or whether your boss is "just" unpleasant and demanding (or something else entirely).

Here are typical examples of bossing and workplace bullying in general:

• Your boss assigns you impossible tasks - ones you're not qualified for, or that couldn't be done on time even if you gave it everything you had.
• They micromanage your every move and reprimand you for being a minute late, while giving colleagues much more freedom.
• They exclude you from email threads or meetings you need to be part of in order to do your job properly.
• They make sarcastic comments, mock you, insult you, or even shout at you.
• They never miss an opportunity to put you down in front of colleagues or criticise you publicly.
• They removed your benefits or cut your salary without any logical explanation.
• You feel like you have to walk on eggshells at work and check every email five times to avoid triggering another overreaction.
• You feel exhausted, hopeless, or incompetent after every interaction with them.
• They make you feel guilty about every sick day or holiday and expect overtime, because you have to be loyal and can't "let the team down".
• They give you tasks like making coffee or cleaning, even though these are not in your job description.

If you were nodding along while reading this and these situations happen regularly, it's most likely bossing.

Mobbing: when workplace bullying comes from colleagues

Workplace bullying doesn't only come from above. When it's your colleagues making your life difficult, it's called mobbing. And it's no less serious.

Colleagues might humiliate, insult, or harass you with "jokes" that have long crossed the line. They might exclude you from meetings, ignore you at team events, or try to undermine you in front of your boss.

Up to 20% of us experience workplace bullying

We often feel ashamed, because bullying is "supposed to" happen in primary school. Or it feels like a sign of weakness. So we stay silent, and no one knows that every morning we feel sick with dread before walking through the office door.

You might feel completely alone in this. But that's far from the truth.

In reality, workplace bullying affects about one in five employees. Bullying from a boss is more common, while bullying from colleagues is slightly less frequent.

This alarming number doesn't mean that 20% of us are "weird" or weak. It tells us that 20% of us have to deal with emotionally immature people at work.

Don't put up with it. How to respond to bossing?

Unfortunately, nearly half of people do nothing about workplace bullying. And it's understandable. We're scared of losing our job, or we don't have the energy to look for a new one. So we just put up with it.

But no one should have to endure humiliation just to pay their bills.

Let's look at how to handle bullying even if you can't or don't want to leave your job. Our psychotherapists have practical advice for you.

1. Collect evidence

If your boss targets you when you're alone together, it can be hard to prove. Try switching on your phone's voice recorder before meetings, or keep a diary where you note down every incident, along with times and any witnesses.

Where possible, try to handle as many things as you can in writing, so you have a paper trail. For example, if your boss gives you an unreasonable task verbally, follow up with an email after the meeting: "Just to confirm - am I right that I need to do X by Y date?"

2. Try setting firm boundaries with your boss

If they start attacking you, don't apologise, but don't fight back either. Try to speak calmly and without emotion. For example: "Please don't speak to me that way. Let's focus on the work."

If they keep trying to provoke you, repeat the same message over and over:

"I don't want you to put me down in front of others. If you have concerns about my work, let's discuss them privately."

"These comments have nothing to do with my work. Let's get back to the topic."

"I understand, but I won't engage when spoken to like that. Let's talk about it properly."

3. Go to HR, management, or colleagues

If you've clearly made it known to your boss that their behaviour is unacceptable and nothing has changed, gather your evidence and report it to HR or senior management. No, this is not "telling tales" or a sign of weakness. A boss simply cannot treat their employees this way, and you have every right to hold them accountable.

It also helps enormously if a colleague who knows about the situation backs you up. Try talking to someone on your team whom you trust most, or who might be experiencing the same thing.

4. File a complaint or consult a lawyer

If the company ignores your complaint, try contacting the Regional Labour Inspectorate or speaking with a lawyer. They'll advise you on how to take things further.

Sometimes it goes beyond "just" psychological bullying into serious harassment. If your boss touches you inappropriately, blackmails you, forces you to do degrading things, or threatens you physically, don't hesitate to contact the police or the first psychological support line.

5. Work on your self-confidence

If dealing with the authorities feels like a nightmare because you feel deeply ashamed, that's completely understandable. But it's important to remember that shame belongs with the aggressor, not with you.

Maybe you sometimes doubt your own self-worth and feel like you somehow deserve the bullying (spoiler: you don't).

In that case, our article How to boost your self-confidence is for you. It walks you through practical techniques for being more assertive and starting to believe in yourself.

6. Learn to say "no"

Do you bend over backwards for everyone and avoid confrontation at all costs? A warm hello to all the fellow people pleasers out there!

Kindness is a wonderful quality. But saying "no" from time to time doesn't make you any less kind. You can still be just as warm and caring, while also not letting people walk all over you.

People pleasers are often a favourite target for bullies. Perhaps you've noticed that your endless helpfulness at the expense of your own needs causes problems in other areas of life too. Take a look at how to learn to say NO.

7. Try not to think about work at home

Workplace bullying takes a huge toll on your mental health and can lead to anxiety or burnout. Try to separate work from your personal life as much as possible.

Once you're done for the day, make time for yourself and the people you care about. Enjoy your hobbies, go out with friends, have a bath, or put on a film. The enormous pressure at work needs to be balanced with something joyful. You'll also find you have more strength to deal with the bullying.

8. Talk about it

Separating work from personal life doesn't mean not talking about what you're going through. When you open up to the people close to you, that enormous weight often lifts a little. If the idea of a sensitive conversation feels daunting, our article How to confide in loved ones when something is bothering you can help.

9. Talk it through in therapy

We often put off dealing with bossing for fear of making things worse. Or we find it hard to admit that we've become a victim of bullying. This is exactly where psychotherapy can help.

You don't have to worry about being judged or facing any prejudice. You don't have to share specific details about yourself or your company either. Therapy is a safe space where a specialist will listen to you, support you, and guide you through the next steps. You can also work on your self-confidence and assertiveness.

With online therapy, you don't have to use your full name, and you can choose a therapist from anywhere in the country to keep things anonymous. And you can sort everything out from your favourite armchair.

How to protect yourself from bullying by colleagues

Defending yourself against mobbing is very similar. Assertive communication, collecting evidence, and reporting to HR or senior management will all help here too.

The bully is usually trying to provoke a reaction out of you - anger, tears, insecurity, or submission. Try to communicate calmly and without emotion. For example: "This behaviour is out of line. Stop it."

The most important thing is to protect your mental health and not let anyone convince you that there's something wrong with you.

How therapy helped a client dealing with workplace bullying

Opening up really does help. And when you combine it with professional support, the whole experience can move you forward in life. Here's one of our Hedepy clients, who shared their experience with bullying and psychotherapy:

"I experienced workplace bullying three times in total. A coincidence? Looking back, what I mainly wanted from therapy was understanding, and reassurance that it wasn't my fault. I simply had too many doubts about myself.

I didn't tell friends or family anything - I was ashamed. My therapist was the only person I was able to open up to. He helped me bear the feeling of despair, and above all, helped me deal with the situation constructively.

I eventually left that job and worked from home for a while. But what mattered more was breaking free from the victim role I had been living in without even realising it.

I actually enjoy going to work now. And I believe it will stay that way for good."

Come and have a chat with a therapist yourself. At Hedepy, you can meet with your therapist online, sometimes within just a few days.

With more than 160 verified psychotherapists, you're sure to find the right one. To make it easier, we'll recommend the most suitable therapist for you based on a 5-minute test.