How to get rid of jealousy in a relationship? Jealousy test and how to work with it

Do you recognize yourself or your partner? Then jealousy will be your topic and it's great that you're here. It can be worked on. In this article, we'll show you advice from our psychotherapists on how to gradually get rid of jealousy.

What exactly is jealousy? Is it really “proof of love”?

Jealousy is a mixture of negative emotions – fear, anxiety, insecurity or anger. It arises when we have a relationship that we care about and we feel threatened by the possibility of losing it.

“So this is proof that he/she really loves me!” You may have heard this a few times before. But it’s a myth. Jealousy is evidence of fear and a need for control. You can love deeply without jealousy. Love doesn’t want to control, possess, or torment.

Mild jealousy is a completely normal emotion that affects up to 87.5% of us. However, you need to be more careful when you feel it for a long time or act on it. Then it can undermine your mental health, and most importantly, disrupt your relationship, which you care about so much. Because a healthy relationship is based on trust, security, and respect.

Male vs. Female Jealousy: Who is more jealous?

Studies agree that men and women experience jealousy at similar rates, but in slightly different ways. Men are usually more sensitive to sexual infidelity, while women are more sensitive to emotional infidelity. This means that women find it harder when a man falls in love with someone else than when he has sex with them, while men find it the opposite. But it always depends on the individual.

Interestingly, according to research, this difference only applies to heterosexual relationships. It is practically non-existent in same-sex couples. It has also been found that jealousy is generally lower in them.

However, it is necessary to say that this is a population average. This means that the differences are statistical, not absolute. Many of us do not represent these patterns.

Jealousy test: Find out how jealous you are

Come and test your level of jealousy in our short test. Although this test is not an official psychodiagnostic tool, it can help you better understand your own feelings. And that is already very beneficial. Answer these questions honestly in a YES/NO format:

How do you feel when your partner...

1. When he/she spends time with friends without me, it always bothers me and I have to think about it all the time.
2. I feel terrible when he/she has a good time with someone of the opposite/preferred gender.
3. I feel like checking his/her phone when he/she leaves it unattended.
4. ​​Sometimes I imagine that he/she is cheating on me, and it brings up strong, overwhelming emotions in me.
5. I often compare myself to his/her ex-partners or people he/she admires.
6. I feel relieved when someone tells me that they don't find my partner attractive.
7. I have an urge to keep track of who he/she likes on social media.
8. I think jealousy is proof that a person truly loves.
9. I blame him/her if he/she doesn't call me for a long time, even though I know he's/she’s busy.
10. I often wish I was more attractive so he/she wouldn't have a reason to look at others.

The more times you answered YES, the stronger your jealousy is. If you answered YES only once or twice, there's no need to worry right away - feeling insecure from time to time is normal, it can also be related to hormones or stress. However, if you answered YES more than three times, it's worth thinking about the cause and working on it. Let's see how to do it.

How to get rid of jealousy? The first step is to identify the cause

Jealousy in a relationship can have many different causes. Understanding yours will help you work better with jealousy and gradually wave it goodbye. Here are some possible causes.

1. Low self-esteem and self-worth. Do you often doubt yourself and feel like you're not "good enough" for your partner? Do you compare yourself to others? This may be the cause of your jealousy. Our article How to increase self-esteem and start believing in yourself will help you.
2. Negative experiences from past relationships. If your past relationship was difficult and you carry various hurts from it, then finding trust again can be quite challenging. You may feel like "it started like this last time too," which is why you are jealous.
3. Some personality traits or psychological problems. Do you feel like you are highly sensitive and experience emotions really intensely? Do you suffer from anxiety, are you an overthinker or maybe a full-time perfectionist? All of these can also be related to jealousy.
4. A specific situation or change in your relationship. You weren't jealous before, but something has changed recently? Maybe you have less time for yourself, you're in a new environment, or you've had a baby - big changes can make you feel threatened.
5. Projecting your own behavior. If you find yourself flirting, liking someone else, or having thoughts of cheating, you may feel that your partner will feel the same way. In this case, honest communication and clarifying your needs are most important.
6. Your attachment type. According to attachment theory, there are four types of attachments that are formed in childhood and influence how we form relationships in adulthood. How does this relate to jealousy? A lot. Let's take a look.

How to tell if you have jealousy from childhood? Attachment theory will help you

Attachment theory is a concept developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. This theory examines the type of emotional attachment we develop from childhood. Modern approaches then link this theory to our behavior in later relationships. There are four types of emotional attachment in total and they depend on how your parents met (or did not meet) your needs. For example, enough love, security, attention or food.

If your parents loved you the same way, even when you were angry or cried, you will probably believe that you are enough and deserve love. On the other hand, if you felt constant insecurity as a child, you may carry into your life a distrust of people and a fear that your loved one will leave you. You can probably guess which of these two cases is more likely to lead to jealousy.

It is from these patterns that four types of emotional attachments emerge – secure, avoidant, anxious and disorganized. In the last two, jealousy is the strongest.

How to find out which type of emotional attachment is yours? And most importantly – how to work with it?

You can find all the answers in our article Attachment Theory. It will help you tremendously to unravel the cause of your jealousy and to more easily get out of it.

9 tips to get rid of jealousy: What is the best cure for jealousy?

Imagine this situation: The person you love is texting someone. They smile into the phone and you don't know who's on the other end. A sharp thorn of jealousy stabs you in the chest. What should you do at that moment?

Here are some practical tips from our therapists to help you work with jealousy.

1. When you feel jealousy, first stop and do nothing

Try taking a few minutes to think. Breathe deeply through your nose into your belly and out through your mouth – this will help calm your nervous system. Don’t do anything for now, don’t confront, just get calm.

2. Communicate, but only talk about yourself

Once you're calmer, the next step is honest, open communication—but without blame. If you're tempted to say, "Who are you texting?!", don't. It can make them feel hurt or angry, and it won't get you anywhere. Instead, try, "I know it's not your fault, but when you're texting someone and I don't know the context, I feel insecure. Can we talk about this?"

3. Write down jealous thoughts or think about them

When you feel jealous, write down what happened and think about it. Instead of asking yourself questions like, “Who is he/she texting?” or “What if he/she doesn’t love me?” ask yourself: Is there another logical explanation? Why is this bothering me? What am I really afraid of? What does this say about me? If I do the same thing, does my partner have reason to be jealous?

4. Practice managing uncertainty

When you feel jealous, do you feel like taking immediate action? Calling when they haven't called for a long time, banning them from going to an event, or checking their phone? Allow yourself not to do it sometimes. And try it more and more often. Accept the uncertainty. Say to yourself: "I feel bad right now. But that's OK. I'm not going to do anything right now and I'm just going to observe what's happening inside me, even if it hurts." This will give you space to find a solution. Because if you don't allow yourself to feel the uncertainty and try to prevent it at all costs, it will be harder and harder to manage it and not hurt the relationship.

5. Work on self-love

Loving yourself and knowing your self-worth is a crucial pillar of a healthy relationship. Try exploring ways to truly love yourself. The more you believe you are good enough, the less evidence of love you will require.

How to do this? Pursue hobbies and friends where you are independent of your partner. Write a list of things you are proud of. Ask yourself: Who am I when my partner is not around?

6. Try to leave past betrayals in the past

Have you experienced infidelity in a past relationship? Do memories of betrayal keep waking you up from sleep? Do you have trouble trusting people and are you looking for signals in your current relationship? We understand how challenging it is. Try to actively remind yourself that your current relationship is not the past – that the past is the past and does not say anything about people in general. Your partner deserves to start with trust.

7. Try practicing separation from the other person

From time to time, intentionally schedule some time for yourself. Go away for the weekend without your partner. Or go on a trip just by yourself. Pursue your own hobbies that are yours alone. Or go to the cinema alone to see a movie that your partner doesn't like. Allow yourself to find your own way. Discover what you really enjoy when no one else is around.

8. Are you jealous because of your own behavior? It's time for extreme honesty

Do you ever have thoughts of cheating? Do you feel like if you met someone amazing, you would give in? And then you get jealous because… What if they do too?!

Then it’s time to be extremely honest with yourself. Is there something missing in your relationship? Is the relationship right for you? Communicate openly with your partner about it.

9. Consider therapy

If you are unable to control your jealousy or have discovered a very anxious or disorganized emotional attachment, it is okay to ask for help. There can be many causes of jealousy and finding a solution can be quite challenging. You can talk to a therapist without prejudice and together find a way out of jealousy. You may also learn something new about yourself that will help you to have a better overall well-being and a peaceful life.

Choose from verified therapists or try couples therapy with your partner.

Extreme jealousy and paranoia. What are the symptoms of pathological jealousy and when is treatment needed?

Do you feel the need to control your partner or limit their contact? Jealousy consumes you every day and thoughts of infidelity paralyze you? Do you constantly feel threatened and no evidence will convince you? You may be struggling with pathological jealousy.

Normal jealousy is not a diagnosis, but pathological jealousy can in some cases be related to a psychotic disorder. For example, when a person believes in infidelity without any evidence and cannot be convinced otherwise. Extreme paranoia and delusions that cannot be distinguished from reality may occur.

Do you think this could be the case for you or your partner?

This jealousy stems from pain. It is not a proof of love, but a call for healing. Please do not be alone in this. A session with a psychotherapist or a psychiatric examination will help you if you feel that your problem is serious.

What to do if your partner is jealous or paranoid?

You've found yourself on the other side. You love your partner above all else, but their jealousy is bothering you and perhaps even limiting your life. And there's no logical reason for it. What now? Let's take a look at how to work with jealousy in your partner.

1. Speak up and give the other person space to express themselves

Try to create a safe space where your partner is not afraid to confide. Try not to judge the other person, describe your point of view and calmly look for a solution. All this if your partner speaks calmly and does not blame you only. In this case, it is no longer healthy communication and indicates a toxic relationship.

2. Observe if it's about emotions or control

It's okay for your partner to admit, "I felt a little insecure when you went out with your friend." It's less okay for them to tell you, "Don't go out anymore. You don't need to see him." The first is sharing emotions that you can talk about. The second is control. Watch how often this happens and how your partner reacts when you distance yourself.

3. Set clear boundaries

If your partner starts to limit, control, or manipulate you, it's time to set clear boundaries. You can say something like, "I understand this may hurt you, but I can't give up contact with the people and hobbies I love. Let's try to work this out differently."

Watch how your partner reacts, whether they are sorry and whether they are interested in working on themselves. If you see effort, nothing is lost. You can deal with jealousy together in couples therapy.

4. Remember that your partner's jealousy is not your responsibility

It's natural to want to comfort, understand, and accommodate someone. But it's not healthy to adapt your entire life to their insecurities. If communication hasn't helped and nothing has changed, it's not your responsibility—and certainly not your fault.

5. If jealousy becomes aggressive, please seek help

Phone checking, bans, threats, or even psychological or physical violence? In such a case, it is important to protect yourself. Consider the help of a therapist, and if you really don't feel safe, don't wait and call the National Domestic Violence Hotline anonymously at 1-800-799-SAFE or the local police.

Come discuss jealousy in therapy

Whether individual or couple. At Hedepy, you will definitely find the right one among many verified psychotherapists. To make it easier for you, we will recommend the most suitable therapist based on a 5-minute test. You can have your first session in just a few days.